Thought Vomit Thursday

Thought Vomit Thursdays now have an official button. It's basically awesome. My friend Nat is also basically awesome for inventing such a wonderful thing as Thought Vomit Thursdays. So in case you missed my blog introduction to TVTs, here's how it works: I tell you everything on my mind all at once. There are no rules. My first TVT was not formatted at all, which I felt added a comedic element to the vomit-ness, but also felt that it made it more difficult to read. So, this week, my thoughts are attacking you in the form of bullet points. Try to keep up.

• Today Cadence ate an entire kids order of cheese ravioli at an awesome Italian restaurant we found in McKinney. The kid seems to just shovel the food in with no end in sight... apparently turning 1 makes you extra hungry.
• Cadence turned ONE! My parents came out to join us in the celebration, and we had an awesome birthday party for her on Saturday. If you happen to live in North Texas, check out the Old Settler's Aquatic Center. We had the most wonderful pool party there, it was just the perfect location for babies and kids and adults alike. Brace yourself for the photos. 

This one isn't from the party itself, it's from the next morning when she got to play with all her new toys for the first time! She was so excited! (Sorry my pics uploaded out of order. oops.)

A few things that made the party extra awesome: I brought the mattress pad from our pack 'n play and put it on one of the picnic tables. BAM! Changing table. Super helpful for the 7 other babies that were at the party! We also brought our high chair that clips onto our table. I grabbed 2 wood blocks out of my teaching boxes from the kindergarten days and put them under the table so that the clips could appropriately latch onto the picnic table. It was so nice for Cadence to be able to sit somewhere comfortably and celebrate at table level with the rest of us! And the pool had a zero-depth entry area with spray fountains, which made playing with the babies PERFECT! 

• In related party news, remember those 3 birthday cakes?

I baked and decorated them myself. But here's the issue. I used these beauties to ice the cakes: 

The problem? To use these things, you have to press on the nozzle with your finger. It's now been 6 DAYS since I decorated the cakes, and the aforementioned finger is still COMPLETELY NUMB! Ummm... is this a problem? What do I do? And why isn't there a user warning on the cans??? Oh well... it was worth it... right?

• Cadence completed her first 2 week swim lesson session through the city of McKinney this morning! I'm a proud mama. We had a lot of fun having a scheduled activity planned each morning for 2 weeks, and Cadence has definitely developed a love for the water. However, the class was definitely lacking in the area of structure. The instructors tried to introduce a new skill each day, but considering that this class is supposed to be for babies 6 months to 2 years, most of the skills were too advanced, so we just bounced and splashed around for most of the time. They did have us circle up for a couple of songs to sing throughout the class, but in 8 half hour lessons, we only learned 3 songs. We had so much fun, but I just feel like there was so much more that they could have done! 

• Apparently, our daughter's name is not only difficult to read, but also difficult to spell! I was unaware of these difficulties until the first time a receptionist in one of our doctor's offices called her Candace at about 2 weeks old, and since then I've been correcting and correcting and correcting.... so imagine my surprise when Cadence's birthday card arrives in the mail from her Great Grandmother spelled wrong! Here's why I'm willing to let it slide, despite the fact that it was misspelled in FOUR different places on the card, packaging, etc: she's 89 years old and blind. But there's no excuse for her swim lesson instructors who only had to copy her name from the registration form that I filled out for them! Seriously? 

• Today I had the pleasure of going to the County Clerk to re-register our car. We realized this week that we had let the registration expire, so we were expecting to have to pay a penalty fee. I waited in a surprisingly short line for my turn. When I told the woman that the registration was expired, she asked me if we had gotten any tickets for it. I told her no. She said "you're lucky!" and after I signed a form that stated that I hadn't received any tickets with an expired registration, only charged me the regular registration fee! So, on the one hand, I'm psyched that we didn't have to pay a penalty fee... but on the other hand, I'm confused by this policy. She told me that if you get a ticket, you have to pay up to a 20% fine. So basically they're telling you that it's not illegal if you don't get caught. Awesome. 
• You will maybe find it sad or else amusing to know that I make lists of my thoughts so that I don't forget what I wanted to vomit on Thought Vomit Thursday. How completely Type A is that? =)
• And finally, I found this video hiding in a friend's blog and loved it and am re-sharing it! Enjoy and have a great week! 

A Jet-Setter's Guide: How to Fly with an Infant

Since my wonderful husband works for Southwest Airlines, we are blessed to have the ability to fly free! This is particularly wonderful since we have no family to speak of in Texas, so we take to the skies quite often. As in, Cadence turned one yesterday and she's already gone on 40 flights. So we fly a little.

With Daddy: 

Occasionally, we even fly with Southwest CEO, Gary Kelly!

Several friends have asked for travel advice from me when they are preparing to fly with an infant, and so I am finally writing this blog so that my information is all in one central location. Obviously, flight rules and regulations are always changing and no 2 babies are the same, so this is only what I have found to be the best things to work for Cadence under the current rules. Feel free to experiment with other ideas and let me know how your travels go! I'd love to update this blog post with new ideas!

So, here goes. In chronological (ish) order of your trip.

Cadence's First Flight, 8 weeks old

Packing: 
Have you seen those moms running through the airport looking completely overwhelmed and attempting to carry EVERYTHING they own for their screaming and stressed out baby? DON'T BE THAT MOMMY!!! Trust me when I say that LESS IS MORE! Your travel experience, time with your baby and stress levels will thank you for simplifying! Plus, unless you are taking your infant on a wilderness trek, odds are you can buy it when you get there if you forgot it. All that you need with you is enough stuff to survive the time in the airport and the plane ride.

Since we fly standby, we try to travel with only carry-on luggage. Yes, that is actually possible with a baby! However, more than once I've had to travel sans the aforementioned wonderful husband, in which case I usually check some luggage to lighten my load since getting through security is tougher with a little one in tow. This information is organized assuming that you will check luggage, since that's what normal people do.

When I travel, I take with me a large backpack, one rolling suitcase to check, boppy, stroller, and car seat. I check the rolling suitcase and car seat when I first get to the airport, leaving me with only a stroller to push with baby in it and a backpack on my back (I clip the boppy in to the outer part of the backpack).  If you have a diaper bag that you'd like to be able to use on your trip, empty the contents out and pack them in your backpack, since the backpack will carry a lot more stuff more easily. Pack the empty diaper bag in your checked suitcase. Don't take anything that you can't wear on your back or roll!

Here's what to put in your carry-on:

• Breast Pump - If you will need to pump while you travel, be sure to carry on your pump. You don't want your pump in your checked luggage because of the risk of 1.  damage, 2. luggage being lost, and 3. A delayed flight or other circumstance and not being able to pump when you need to. If you need a breast pump with you, I would take a small rolling suitcase as a carry on item, and pack your pump in the carry on suitcase. The pump will take up most of the suitcase, but not all of it, so you'll have room for diapers, etc still. If a breast pump is not necessary for you, I suggest leaving the extra rolling suitcase at home and only carrying on a large backpack.
• Infant front carrier, such as a Baby Bjorn, Ergo, Boba, or Infantino. I do NOT recommend a Moby Wrap. I love my Moby Wrap, but for the purposes of travel, it is so difficult to use. Definitely pack this carrier in your carry on luggage rather than using it to carry your baby through the airport. I'll tell you why in the part about getting through security. I like to have this for helping me hold Cadence while I go to the bathroom, if we have a long layover, etc. 
• A complete change of clothes for Mommy including bra, panties, and jacket. I can't tell you how many times I've been spit up/thrown up/diaper leaked on while in flight. 
• 2 complete changes of clothes for baby. In my opinion, it is easiest to have baby travel in footie pajamas so that you don't have to worry about socks, shirt, pants, etc. It's all in one. And the plane will probably be cold, so they'll be comfortable. If you're traveling to or from a very hot location, have them in a onesie with the pajamas ready to go on over it on the plane. 
• 8 diapers and a small pack of wipes. 8 should be more than enough for a trip, and if needed I've used them to mop up baby puke, my soda that baby knocked over, etc. 

Airport changing tables are super fun!

• Bottles: If you're bottle feeding, I recommend bringing one bottle in your carryon and rinsing it out and reusing it through the day. I know that's not normally what you would want to do, but for one day of travel it will be fine. If you are pumping, of course do the math and bring the right number of bottles for you to pump into that you'll need. I'd bring an extra in case there's a flight delay. 
• If you're using formula, I recommend buying a smaller canister of formula or using a plastic formula dispenser in your carry on for the travel part and packing a big canister in your checked luggage for the rest of the trip. If you are using formula, if at all possible, pack your bottle empty and fill it with water on the other side of security to mix baby's bottle. It makes security SO much easier. 
• Toys, books, etc to entertain baby if age appropriate
• Solid foods: If your baby has started on solids, pack as much as you'll need for the day of travel in your carry on and the rest in your checked luggage. I always put the jars of pureed baby food and the spoons and bibs needed in a ziplock baggie. I recommend the baby food pouches rather than the glass or plastic containers, because the glass can break and the plastic easily cracks, and before you know it you've got baby food all over your luggage. 
• BRING YOUR BOPPY OR NURSING PILLOW!!! This was the greatest discovery I made. I had outside clips on my backpack so I could clip it in to carry it on my back, and then once on the plane I put the boppy on my lap, laid baby on the boppy, and we could both travel comfortably the whole way. She could comfortably sleep, eat, lay there, etc and I didn't have to destroy my arm muscles trying to hold her while she did so. I have never ever had a flight attendant give me a hard time about this. 

• The scoop on strollers: The first few times I flew with Cadence I didn't take the stroller, and I think it was a mistake. Life was so much easier when I started taking the stroller along! However, I took our nice Chicco stroller and somewhere around flight #28 it came off the plane with the basket broken off and non-repairable. So choose your travel stroller carefully. The airlines are not liable for any damage to your stroller or car seat if you choose to bring them. Consider yourself warned. If you take a stroller along, I would keep baby in it until you board the plane. When you get to your gate, go to the counter and ask for a gate check tag for the stroller. Then when you're boarding the plane, you'll leave the stroller right outside the plane door and pick it up in the same place after landing. Also, see my Security section for info on strollers and TSA. 
• Car seats: If your baby is younger than 2 years old they can fly for free on your lap. They are called a "Lap Child." If you want them to stay in their car seat, you have to buy a separate full price ticket for baby to have a seat to put the car seat on. I will mention, in the event of an emergency, your baby and you both are MUCH safer if baby is in a car seat in their own seat. When they are on your lap and unrestrained, they essentially become a human airbag for you, and you will likely smash your baby... but I also know that airline tickets are expensive and airborne emergencies are somewhat rare, so I will leave that decision to you. However, many airlines will allow you to travel with your baby as a free lap child and if there is a seat on the plane that is not being used, they'll let you have the empty seat for the car seat. If there ends up being no space they'll come get your car seat from you on the plane and gate check it for you. I personally don't mess with any of this, because it's just one more thing to deal with getting through security, so I check my car seat at the ticket counter when I check my checked luggage in and pick it up at baggage claim upon arrival. 
• If you are flying with a "lap child" rather than buying a ticket for your baby, it is required by law that you have a COPY (don't bring the original) of baby's birth certificate. Don't forget this or you'll have no choice but to either skip your trip or purchase a full price ticket for baby. 
• Bring a small receiving blanket in your carry on- I lay this on the ground and let Cadence play on our longer layovers, cover her up if it's chilly, or use it as an emergency burp cloth if necessary in flight. 

Playing at the airport, 9months old

 6months old

That pretty well covers what should go in your carry on luggage. I will not cover what should go in your checked luggage, because I think it's pretty self-explanitory... everything else!

Checking in and Security:


When you arrive at the airport, take all your stuff and baby to the ticket counter. Check any luggage you wish, and your car seat if you don't plan to use it on the plane. Point out to the agent that you are traveling with a lap child (if applicable), sometimes they don't notice the baby, especially if she's in the stroller behind the counter and out of sight. They'll ask for the birth certificate and attach a baby boarding pass to yours. Then head to.... dun dun dun.... SECURITY. This is, in my opinion, the hardest part about traveling with a baby. Here are a few things to know in advance:

• You have to hold the baby in your arms to walk through security. They can't be in a stroller, car seat, front carrier... nothing. This is why I recommend a stroller, it's the easiest way to get through security and be able to easily set baby back in on the other side while you re-organize your things. If you use a Moby Wrap, you have to completely unwrap the Moby and hold baby, then get through and try to re-wrap the Moby and put baby in while still holding her. Not fun. 
• FOOD IS allowed through security, just not liquids. So you can bring along snacks for baby, or for yourself. No problem. =)
• Wear flip flops or slides. You have to remove your shoes... this can get tricky to deal with taking off and putting back on. Since you have to hold baby through security, free hands are not a luxury you'll have. 
• If baby is wearing baby shoes they might make you remove them... again, I recommend footie pajamas! **UPDATED**: As of late 2012, TSA policy has changed to allow children under age 12 to keep their shoes on while going through security. 
• Have your liquids in a zip lock baggie ready to pull out easily. This includes sunscreen, diaper rash cream, etc. Nothing is allowed to have more than 3oz. 
• If your baby's bottle(s) are full, you'll have to pull them out of the bag and put them in the tub separately to "declare" them. Depending on the airport and the TSA agent you get, they may do a secondary screening on your bottle. They'll ask you to remove the lid of your bottles and then they'll hold a test strip over the top of the bottle. It never touches the milk and doesn't hurt anything. They will likely do this regardless of it being pumped milk, whole milk, mixed formula... it doesn't matter what it is. 
• If you are carrying on a breast pump, they will most likely have to do a secondary test on it where they stick a little wipe in it to make sure it's not a weapon of mass destruction. Apparently they look slightly bomb-ish on the scanner. This secondary test is essentially nothing, but just calculate the extra stop at security into your master plan for how early you want to arrive at the airport. 
• Any car seats, strollers, etc. have to go through the security scan. If it fits through on the conveyor belt, send it through. It's much faster and easier than going through a secondary scan! The hardest part about this is holding baby while folding the stroller and then hoisting it up onto the belt with one hand. This is where it's nice to have a fantastic husband in tow!
• If they ask you to take the baby through the new "back scatter" ask for the pat down instead. Usually they'll leave you alone since you have a baby with you, but I wouldn't take baby through the back scatter if I were you. 

On the Plane:

• I would try to sit towards the back of the plane. If you're flying Southwest, or another airline where everyone picks their own seats, there tends to be more open space towards the back. The drone of the engine is also louder, which lulls baby to sleep and also drowns out the crying sounds if baby isn't happy. Try to sit on the aisle so you can make your escape if necessary. 
• The down side of sitting at the back: on most planes, the rear restroom doesn't have a changing table. The front one does. In my opinion, the hike to the front is worth it. 
• As soon as you take your seat, pull out your nursing cover or bottle and get ready to feed baby. Make sure you're feeding baby during take off and while the plane is climbing upwards and again on the descent and landing. It helps their ears pop and keeps them happy.  If baby is riding in a car seat and does not drink a bottle, give them a pacifier for take off and landing instead.
• If you're in need of water for a formula bottle, catch a flight attendant before take off and ask for a water that's unrefrigerated for the bottle. They'll usually give it to you right then instead of making you wait, so you can mix a bottle and have it ready for take off. 

Shameless Southwest Plug:

Errrr.... this is not a good way to fly with baby. We were just joking, of course.

One Last Thing on Airports...
If you go to pick up your checked luggage and find your car seat has broken in pieces... an option not often advertised is that a lot of car rental companies will rent out car seats. Obviously not the top choice, but an option to know about!

And Finally, A Word on Hotel Stays:
If your travels require that you stay in a hotel, I have a few suggestions. Many hotels offer roll-away cribs for free or only $10-$15. I would ask for one. If they don't have them, if baby doesn't roll yet, you can put baby on the second bed, or if baby is already rolling, lay them on the ground on top of a blanket. In my opinion, traveling with a pack 'n play or other portable bed is a giant pain... I wouldn't do it.

 Cadence enjoying our hotel in Seattle, 7 months old

I use the stroller as a makeshift highchair while we travel. Cadence eats just fine and is able to sit at the tables at restaurants, etc with us. Also, since hotel rooms aren't made to be baby friendly, if you are traveling alone, I suggest setting baby up on a blanket outside the bathroom with the door open while you shower. This way you can continue to supervise while you get clean!

Note: Since this post was originally written, Cadence has grown up into a 2 year old, and we have welcomed our second baby, Ryland, into our family. I have flown with both of them, on my own, and have a whole new set of recommendations for flying with 2, but that will be coming (hopefully sometime soon) in a separate post. In the mean time, if you have specific questions, please feel free to post them in the comments and I'll try to answer them as best as I can!

Disclaimer: While my husband is an employee of Southwest, neither him or myself represent Southwest or any other airline in any way on this blog. This is simply a compilation of ideas I have gleaned from experience, and while Southwest may agree with many of my ideas or recommendations, they have not read, approved, or contributed to this post in any way. Please be sure to call the customer service number of your airline for specific questions needing an official response.
Happy Travels!

How I Got My Brand New Eyes

14 days ago I had laser eye surgery to correct my vision. My eyes were crazy weird so normal LASIK wasn't a good option for me, so instead I had a procedure called PRK. I'm no doctor or anything, so I'm not going to write a blog about the scientific side of the PRK procedure. If you want that stuff you can read it here on wikipedia. I'm just going to tell you about what it's like to be on the receiving end of such a procedure.

First you go in for a consultation appointment. They do lots of eye tests and ask you lots of questions about what you see that make you feel slightly stupid. Then they dilate your eyes. For the record I hate having my eyes dilated. It seems to take me forever to recover. Then they look at all their charts and pictures of your eyes and say one of 4 things to you: 1)Yay! You're a good candidate for LASIK! Wanna have it today? 2)You're not really a safe candidate for LASIK but you're a good candidate for PRK. Wanna have it today? 3)You aren't a good candidate. or 4) You're a good candidate for eye surgery but your eyes scanned differently on each side and they're uneven so it's hard to tell if you're a better candidate for LASIK or PRK and there are lots of freaky risks in doing the wrong one, so go home and go another 3 weeks without your contacts (which apparently skew the results). Wear only your glasses in the middle of the hot crazy summer when all you want is your sunglasses and come back and we'll re-scan your eyes and decide then which operation you should have.

Guess which one they told me?

So I waited another 3 weeks and went back in and they re-scanned my eyes and decided that I should have PRK. Then they scheduled me for an operation 45 minutes later and sent us off on a Walgreens errand to fill prescriptions and come back.

At Walgreens we discovered that one of the prescriptions that they require for us to fill is not covered by our insurance (apparently a lot of insurance companies don't cover it, so be prepared) and it doesn't have a generic brand, so we paid $110 out of pocket for a tiny little bottle of eye drop antibiotics. I have no idea what life would have been like without them, but I am convincing myself that they were worth every penny. We also picked up a prescription for a steroid eye drop that's an anti inflammatory, a box of artificial tears and a couple bottles of chewable vitamin C tablets. Here's what else we should have picked up while we were there (maybe this will help someone): Extra strength tylenol, ibuprofen, and 2 or 3 more boxes of artificial tears. They have to be the kind that come in individual vials and are preservative free, not in a big bottle with preservatives. Also, you should know that they're going to give you a prescription for vicodin too, but they can't give it to you till after the procedure, so someone will be heading back to the pharmacy again on your behalf. You won't be able to go, because you'll be home recovering.

Then we went back to the doctors office and got ready. They did another test on my eyes where they take a bunch of detailed pictures of your eyes. Then they take you back by the operation rooms. Our place had the operating rooms behind glass windows so people could watch if they wanted. Everything happening to your eyes is displayed on big TV monitors. There was a guy ahead of me that I could have watched, but they told me they strongly discouraged me from watching right before my own procedure, so we got to sit in the "relaxation room." They had some sweet recliners in there. Then like 8 minutes later it was my turn.

So in I went. They had me lay back in the chair. Then they dumped a ton of eye drops into my eyes to numb them. Then they stuck these plastic things in my eyes to hold my eyelids open during the procedure. Getting these things in was a little uncomfortable. The first eye was easy but the second one didn't want to cooperate and couldn't quite sit right for a few moments so I of course was stressing because it was uncomfortable. Then it finally settled in right.

Then they turn on a crazy insane bright light. Honestly, having to stare into the bright light was the worst part of the whole thing. While you're staring into the bright light the doctor sticks his finger in your eye and basically sloughs the top of your eye ball. This is a really weird experience, because your brain is telling you to freak out because you see something in your eye, but you can't feel anything and you can't blink. It's sort of an out of body experience in a way. After that they turn down the bright light (thank God!) and then the laser does its thing. This part is easier to deal with  because the light is turned down. All you have to do is make sure you stare at the red dot in front of you. The laser is kind of creepy and alien-ish looking so you don't really want to look at the red dot because you want to check out all the crazy things happening around you instead. Also, on my first eye, I could smell my eye burning from the laser so that freaked me out. When the laser is done, they flood your eye with something REALLLLLY cold. It feels good at first, but then it starts to give you a brain freeze headache. Then they pop a contact lens on your eye to protect you like a bandaid. All done!

Then they move to your other eye and stick that stupid bright light on it. In my opinion, the bright light is harder to handle on the second eye because the first eye is sort of incapacitated at the time. Maybe my left eye is just more sensitive to light. Either way, I actually started moaning and was like "it's too bright!" to the doctor. It's seriously really hard to handle. But then he finishes his part with the finger stuck in your eye and turns the light down again and it's all good from there. By the time they had me stand up and walk out of the operating room I had probably been in there a grand total of 5 minutes. The operation itself takes about 30 seconds per eye.

I'm definitely glad I didn't watch the guy before me, because Jon said it was fascinating from a scientific standpoint, but it looks like something straight out of a sci-fi movie and was definitely freaky.

Then they give you some pretty sweet sunglasses and send you home, where you are supposed to sleep for at least 4 hours straight right away. I laid in bed trying to sleep with my eyes closed and resting for probably 6 hours and couldn't seem to sleep. Also, it's weird because you really can't see anything. I kept feeling like I needed to put my glasses on. You have to put eye drops in your eyes at least once an hour when ever you're awake, and alternate tylenol and advil. I didn't feel any pain at first, it just felt like how it feels at the end of the day when you're ready to take your contacts out. A little dry and your eyes are tired.

I woke up around 2am that first night totally freaking out with my first experience with the real pain. It is a weird stabbing pain that feels like you need to rip a bad pair of contacts out right away. Or like there's rocks in your eye. I only had it in my left eye, thankfully. I put in a bazillion drops and took tylenol and vicodin. Then I resorted to my "emergency only" drops that they gave me. That finally helped and calmed me down and I went back to sleep. After that my pain levels were manageable and overall it was pretty easy. The next day I had a follow up appointment and they said I looked good. I still couldn't see much of anything yet. On the 4th day Jon returned to work and I was responsible for baby Cadence once again. I was really nervous about this. My friend Kylie offered to come over and play with Cadence for a few hours so I could rest my eyes, and I think that was a really good decision. The day went a lot better than expected, but the break was much needed. On the 6th day I had another follow up. They tested my vision and it had improved to 20/40, so I was cleared to drive. I can't remember the last time I had 20/40 vision without contacts or glasses. It's so cool. They also took my contacts out. This meant that I would be a lot more comfortable and I would see my vision increase a lot faster, but that my protective bandage wasn't there anymore, so I had to be even more careful with my eyes. By one week my vision was to 20/20. I'm on day 14 now, and my vision is great. I have a little bit of fuzziness every once in a while, but they said that that will probably go away in a month or two. I also have some headaches and "tired eyes," but nothing compared to before. My biggest symptom now is light sensitivity. My favorite sunglasses from before aren't dark enough, so I'm still wearing the ones from the doctor until I can find another cute pair that's dark enough.

Overall, I would say that it was a pretty good experience, and I am overwhelmingly pleased with the results. I would definitely recommend looking into laser eye surgery to ANYONE! So far, it's been the best decision we made!

On our way to the operation, my last picture ever in glasses! 

Right after we got home, recovering in my awesome shades.

Thought Vomit Thursday

So a friend of mine has finally put into words everything I think and feel about the popular blog concept of "Wordless Wednesdays"... we agree.... the idea sucks. So Nat's response that I have of course stolen is "Thought Vomit Thursday." It is everything you think it will be. I'll give you everything that's on my mind. All at once. Try to keep up. Ready? Here goes.

I have the most wonderful husband in the entire world. You might think "no, I do," but you're wrong. Mine is better. Plus also, he's a HOTTIE. I think that the Children's Hospital policy about not allowing food and drink in the radiology "area" is wonderful, because all the poor kiddies there have had to starve themselves to death fast for a long time and they don't need you eating in their face. However, when you have to have an infant ready, buckled in the car seat and on the road to the hospital by 6:30am, there is no time to eat before hand unless you're one of those weird morning people. Plus I have nothing to do for minimum of 1 1/2 hours so eating breakfast while I wait sounds like a great plan. Luckily, Children's has kindly recognized this little problem and created a seating area right outside their little breakfast cafe where it's perfectly ok to eat. So you can imagine my irritation when I was quietly eating my breakfast in the appropriate location and was interrupted by a 2 year old girl waiting to be called back to radiation screaming to her mom that she wanted to eat my food. The mom came over, picked up her daughter, and shot me a NASTY look. Um, excuse me? I'm eating in the designated cafe area and your daughter should be waiting for radiology in the RADIOLOGY waiting room where food isn't allowed. Don't shoot me a dirty look for following directions when clearly you're the incompetent one here. Can I just tell you how excited I am for the premier of the new Project Runway season? SO excited. I have waited for it for so long that I started to think they weren't doing a new season. Plus also, my life certainly does not revolve around my DVR, but when I want to kick back with a brew and a fun show, this summer has been a TOTAL DVR letdown. So it's super exciting to have PR back. So like 2 weeks ago, I turned my ankle and blew out my BRAND NEW super cute pair of flip flops. It didn't pull all the way out, just enough to not work anymore. Any ideas? Can it be fixed? Or will I be forced to drop another (gasp) $12 to buy another pair?

Our apartment is crazy. It's so hot during the day and so cold at night (unless you ask my husband. He can sleep under the AC, blasting ceiling fan, plus an extra little night stand fan and still be hot). So being the geniuses that we are, we figured out that perhaps we could achieve better climate control and therefore save money on our AC bill if we hung some sort of cloth to block the solar heat out. Here is our current solution:

We're thinking.... maybe.... just maybe.... we'll make the investment and get curtains. In case you're wondering, yes OF COURSE I'm watching Project Runway re-runs while baby girl naps and I blog. Duh. So here's the dilemma. We don't want to block out all of the light but we do want to block out as much solar heat as possible. Plus also we don't want to buy million dollar curtains. So I'm thinking I'll make them myself. What type of fabric would all of you geniuses in the blog world recommend for such an endeavor? We are talking about 2 windows that reach from, you know, one corner of our apartment to about 11 miles down the road. So they're going to be real big curtains. The nurse who worked with us at Children's today gave Cadence a pack of little toys and a book to take home today. So sweet! They are so good to us there. We are so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful medical facility to treat my baby girl. I get either LASIK or PRK a week from tomorrow. Yes, either. I won't know which until the day of the operation. Which is nerve wracking because we've been told that if I have to have PRK (a very likely scenario) that I won't be able to care for Cadence on my own for 3 days. If I get LASIK I'll be good to go after like 24 hours. But if they do the wrong one for my eyes there are some pretty intense risks, so I'm praying that they'll make the right choice and we'll make it work and my poor husband won't go insane trying to hold down the baby fort all by himself. Also, it would be just stellar if my freaking headaches would go away when it's all said and done. Tomorrow I seriously have FIVE different things that I've been asked to attend. So I finally reached my breaking point and just decided that I would do the 2 that I was asked to do first and have already committed to and not stress about the other 3. Sorry peeps! Ok I think that's all that's on my mind. For this particular Thought Vomit Thursday, anyway. The End.

Sleepless Nights

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Fearless

I find myself exhausted but wide awake yet again this evening, so I am attempting to get everything that has been weighing on my heart lately out in the open so that I can hopefully find some rest tonight. I am not typically one to get too emotional or (dare I say) negative in my writing, so please bear with me here... Cadence is nearly 11 months old now, and we are excitedly planning her very first birthday party! I am very happy for this milestone in her life, but I am surprised to find that the whole idea of a birthday has made me anxious and sadish, and therefore sleepless. I realized this evening that there are several reasons for this way of feeling, so I felt I should share my reasoning with anyone who has to gets to interact with me through this whole thing, because I'm sure I'm confusing people... including my poor husband who must think I've lost my mind lately. Jonathon, I apologize if you have to read my life story online before I get to tell it to you myself, but as it turns out, I'm wide awake and you're sound asleep, so such is life.

Anyway, here's the deal. The day that Cadence was born was without question the best day of my life. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was to finally have her in my arms. I fell immediately in love with her and knew instantly that I would go to the ends of the earth to do anything for her that she needed or wanted. I just had no idea that what she would need or want would be so extensive. Almost immediately things didn't go quite as planned. Cadence wanted to nurse, and she was really good at it right away, but she would go at it for 40 minutes straight and not get more than an ounce. We knew from pumping that my supply was doing just fine, so we couldn't figure out why my little one wasn't getting enough to eat ("we" being me, my husband, the pediatrician, all of my nurses, and all 5 lactation consultants that I worked with in the hospital basically non-stop). Cadence lost a LOT of weight very quickly and we had to stay an extra day in the hospital in order to make sure she was ok. The only way we could get her to eat as much as she needed and wanted to consume was by pumping and then bottle feeding. This was absolutely devastating to me. I had dreamed of nursing my little baby my whole life, and the gift of nursing was the first gift I wanted to give her in her little life. After bringing Cadence home from the hospital, rented pump in tow, I diligently tried to get her to learn how to nurse. We tried everything from a lap cup to little tubes taped to me, to using a syringe to "finger feed" her. We bought the most expensive type of bottles that were "more natural" so that she would stay used to the shape of a breast. I worked with women from La Leche League over the phone, and we hired an in-home lactation consultant who charged us a bazillion dollars to come work with us regularly. Nothing worked. In the mean time, Cadence still hadn't gained a single ounce back and was beginning to look very sick. (I didn't realize then how sick she looked, but now when I look back at those photos it is all too obvious.) She was very weak and quite floppy, almost like a rag doll. She had none of the typical uncontrolled thrashing of limbs that you expect when a newborn gets mad, she just laid there almost motionless. The doctors believed that this low muscle tone was due to her weight loss, and thought that if we could get her weight up, she would gain muscle strength as well. So, in order to get her to gain enough weight, we had to increase feedings. Feedings were already stressful enough, but now they were required every 2 hours 24/7. Which for us meant that I would attempt to wake her up, try to nurse her for as long as she would go on each side (sometimes 40 minutes per side) then immediately pump (which took about 20 minutes) and then bottle feed her everything I had pumped. Then I had to sanitize all of the pump and bottle parts so they would be ready for the next round, which typically began just as soon as I was done sanitizing them. Somehow in the middle of this routine I was supposed to fit in our almost daily doctors visits for weight checks and whatnot. Oh yeah, plus I was supposed to shower and eat plenty of good healthy meals to help my supply and "make sure you're sleeping when she sleeps!" Well guess what. The whole idea simply was not possible. But every weigh in when she hadn't gained weight and every lactation meeting when she hadn't nursed properly was another reminder that somehow, despite nearly killing myself to keep my promise that I would do anything for my precious little girl, I was failing miserably. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried. I couldn't do it right, and it seemed that I was actually killing my baby girl. I remember when I hit rock bottom. Cadence was nearly 2 weeks old. I was standing in the shower with my husband (my mother was caring for Cadence, don't worry!) and I was crying and I told him "I think we need to give her away." Jonathon said "what do you mean?" and I said, "I'm not a good enough mom. I can't do this. Someone else would be better for her." Of course my wonderful husband held me in his arms and assured me that no one else in the world could love her the way that I do and that I was doing everything humanly possible for her. Shortly after this break down we came to the realization that our child was not going to be a typical baby, and therefore we needed to toss our ideas of typical parenting out the window and find new techniques to allow ourselves some sanity. So I made the heartbreaking decision to quit trying to nurse all together to save time, and exclusively pump for Cadence. Much to my surprise, this made Cadence a much happier baby because she could eat all she wanted when she was hungry rather than trying unsuccessfully to nurse, and because she wasn't working so hard to try to nurse, she was burning fewer calories and therefore started picking up some weight. Since she gained a little weight, the pediatrician allowed us to switch to feeding her every 3-4 hours, so I finally got a little rest.

 Cadence at 3 weeks old

 5 weeks old

 4 weeks old

3 weeks old

Unfortunately though, as she gained weight, she did not gain muscle tone as we had hoped. She was still a floppy little rag doll baby. So when Cadence was 2 months old, we took her to see a pediatric neurologist and she began physical therapy. The pediatric neurologist suspected that she had had a perinatal stroke at the end of my pregnancy and that it had caused her to have Cerebral Palsy. This was, of course, devastating news. So the pediatric neurologist ordered an MRI of Cadence's brain and neck to see where the stroke had occurred and how extensive the damage was. Watching the nurse put my sweet little girl to sleep with anesthesia for the first time as she whimpered and looked longingly at me for help was the hardest thing I have ever done. After an endless wait in the waiting room, we brought her home from her MRI to recover. We were supposed to go in for a follow up appointment to hear the results several days later. However, only a few hours after we arrived home we received a phone call to come back into the pediatric neurologist's office immediately. Terrified, we drove back down to the office where we were told that instead of finding evidence of a stroke, they found a tumor on her spinal cord and her brain stem. That was the day that my world completely caved in.

Since then we have learned that her tumor is essentially inoperable due to the extremely high risks involved (full paralysis, loss of the entire sensory system, brain damage, permanent bone structure damage to the spine, loss of the ability to swallow, etc.) and we aren't even able to do a biopsy. So everything that we do is an educated guessing game. Should the tumor begin to act malignant, we would not have the option of radiation because of how young she is, so most likely they would have to operate in spite of the risks, and follow up the operation with chemotherapy. Thankfully, her tumor has been acting completely benign so far. Cadence has had 4 MRIs now and is scheduled for her 5th on July 28th. We found out at her last MRI that her tumor had begun SHRINKING! Without any treatment at all. We have learned that a lot of her problems as a newborn were caused by the tumor, including her inability to nurse, as well as her muscular problems. She is still suffering from fairly significant delays, but she is slowly but surely pushing through. On Christmas eve at 4 1/2 months old she moved her head from side to side for the first time, marking her first big achievement. 2 weeks ago at 10 1/2 months she balanced herself in a sitting position for the first time. We are optimistic and have set a lofty goal that she will be able to walk independently by age 2, but that is a very lofty goal for her.

I am so proud of Cadence and all of her achievements. She is so strong and such a trooper. She is so determined to accomplish each little task and to overcome every challenge. I remind myself daily that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle, which encourages me to know that even on the days that I don't think I can do it, God knows that I can, but more importantly God must know something about how strong Cadence is or else He wouldn't have given her this challenge. I must have a pretty unique kid.

So, with all of these wonderful accomplishments and all of the good news, why have I been feeling so sadish? I think it's mostly because of her upcoming birthday. I know a lot of moms whose babies are turning 1 right now. They all seem to reminisce about the day they went in to labor (which I never got to do) and the miraculously happy time it was when their baby came into the world. I don't have that. When I remember the time surrounding Cadence's birth, my stomach turns in knots and I get very anxious. I remember all of the stress and worry and I feel like a failure all over again. I don't want to celebrate an anniversary of those types of feelings. In fact, I'd rather avoid it all together.

And then there are the what ifs. What if, at Cadence's upcoming MRI, we discover that her tumor has spread? What if they find that she has developed hydrocephalus (a condition where fluid puts pressure on the brain, which they have been concerned about the possibility of it developing in Cadence's brain)? What if Cadence has to wear a brace in order to learn to walk for the rest of her life? What if she never learns to walk at all? What if her head always tilts to one side and her classmates think she looks funny and make fun of her? What if, at future birthday parties, she doesn't have any friends to invite because she is the weird kid? And if that's the case, then this might be her only "good" birthday party ever. So I'd better do it right. And of course the worst "what if".... what if her first birthday party is also her last? I can't even bear to think of what I would do. But the idea crosses my mind all the time. It's humbling really, to realize that not a single moment can be taken for granted.

I assure you that I have not written all of this as a cry for pity or even for comments of reassurance... I guess it's merely to allow you a glimpse into the heart of a mother of a child with special needs. I know now more than ever that God will provide. He hasn't failed us yet. I know He has big plans for my little girl. And I know that with His help I will pull together the faith and the strength to celebrate Cadence's birthday as a milestone. She has come so far and she deserves to be celebrated. To anyone reading this who may be attending Cadence's little party, please join me in celebrating an amazing little girl by looking forward rather than looking back. Back wasn't pretty. Forward is looking better and better every day.

 8 months old

10 months old and sitting on her own for the first time in her baby pool!